Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
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wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now