I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
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Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter