All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
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I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Best spoiler warning ever
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.