Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
How to woo a woman
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him