Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
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The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”