The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
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Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me: