the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
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WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.