The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
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11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
umm…
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”