Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
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Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
The news is so predictable nowadays
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …