Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
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My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying