angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
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bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.