therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
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how to have an accident 101
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?