Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
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How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Matt Goss
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.