[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
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“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water