[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
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“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.