ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
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Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.