What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
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How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.