TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
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If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
ok this is my dumbest yet
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
U talkin 2 me?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free