God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
You Might Also Like
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.