Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
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holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
😎 🍻
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?