What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
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one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Check out the legs on this baby
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
🤣🤣
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.