[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
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my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I have a new favorite meme page
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I had to Stop for this
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
no one likes gloating
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Become a minion. Get that bread.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*