End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
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Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.