Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
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Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one