please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
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50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.