the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
The Sun
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what