Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
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Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Black Friday “markdowns” like
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.