ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
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The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.