Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
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Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.