I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
This has made my week.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…