Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
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Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face