You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.