People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi