I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
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Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
lost dog
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.