“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
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Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Did a trash talking tree write this?