i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
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No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?