Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
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*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
😅😅😅
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.