Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
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[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Yup.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie