My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
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Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥