[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
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Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.