They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
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Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Eat…
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.