I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
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(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
You deplete me
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”