I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
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I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
no cat here
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.