my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
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I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I’d hang this in my house.
my dog when i have a friend over
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.