Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
You Might Also Like
thanks auntie mary
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”