I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
You Might Also Like
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
iPhone X
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second