[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
You Might Also Like
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Time for evil
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]