If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
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Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Life hack
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.