If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
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Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
me hooking up with my ex
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what