If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
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You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
A friend sent me this.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year