I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
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I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in